Change of Plans

Well as God would have it, it looks like I am definitely NOT going to Afghanistan. I didn't want to post this news too soon, because having served for at least a couple of days, I know how the Army loves to change things... and then change them again. So now the issue becomes one of finding employment, and fast! For those of you who pray, I could use a little help here. Not only in praying for a job that will support a large family that must commute a good distance to get to and from work, but also for my sanity. For some reason, I am more stressed than normal. I am not talking about worrying about a job, but more my general feeling towards the greater cosmos on a daily basis. I have found myself in a rather "Bitchy" mood lately, and for the life of me, I don't know why. More than that, I can't seem to change it nor do I desire to. I have gotten caught up in remembering and catching glimpses of what lies ahead and I don't like it. Friends are dead, life is uncertain, nukes are being tested, stop loss is a subject being talked about in the news, I am sick of war in the flesh! I have seen the truth, and it scares me. Those who live by the sword will die by the sword! I have learned to accept that as truth. I have learned to see it as necessary even; sometimes. I will do my best to exercise faith, but remember I am not as strong as some might think. I cannot run when I have yet learned to crawl. I can stand, but not without holding on to something. The here and now still has a powerful hold on me. I will die to feed those for which I am responsible. This life is not everything. Flesh is merely flesh, and who cares about the riches of this world. What is "Comfort" anyway? Some would say a nice house, a car, and money in the bank. I would say a regular paycheck that ensures my kids will eat, stay warm, and if necessary be able to go to the doctor if the need arises. Faith is trusting in God's ability to provide and knowing that he will. Forgive me God, for I just don't have it. I want to, but so many things from our past are keeping me from completely trusting in you, even after you have saved me time and again. For when you saved me, you chose to, I didn't ask. When I asked, you failed me. So many things from my past are keeping me from growing into what you want me to be. What do you want from me!? I am so grateful for all that you have brought me through, but I am so angry for all that I have seen, for all that has been lost, and for what? Why have so many good people had to die? Why did you take my daughter? Why, when everything seems to be going right, do I find a way to fuck it up? Why do some of us suffer through complete hell, while others can live with the beautiful ignorance of the existence of such hell? For what do I need such strength Lord? When I think of this... I tremble in complete and utter fear. Forgive me Lord for I fear that I may never be ready. I know that a frog in the bottom of a well who looks at the opening of his well and thinks that the blue he sees is the whole sky, has a better understanding of your plan than I do, and I earnestly do desire to serve you Lord. Forgive my lack of faith, and my lack of understanding. Some days I am all over it, but most days I am not even walking in the right direction. I do know that no matter what I do, you will use it to your benefit and glory. I hope that I can do a better job of bringing you glory than I have in the past 30 years? Baby steps, tripping and falling on my face. I can't seem to do any better than that and it really pisses me off! Again for those who read this that pray, I ask that whatever my problem is that God help me with it, because I sure as hell have no clue what it is! For those of you who don't pray, I forgive you. This would make a better journal entry than a blog post, but my life has always been transparent anyway. Besides, I don't keep a journal so this will have to do from time to time. You want to know what's going on in my life? You want to read about my thoughts? I have no problem sharing, but I hope you have a strong stomach.