Wow! What a break! Six years have gone by since my last post.  That should be enough for everyone on the planet to have completely forgotten who I am and what happened to me, lol.  I did write a post in 2014, but I just realized that it was saved as a draft and never published.  In that draft, I promised I would do a better job of posting on a regular basis.  Boy am I glad I didn't post that thing! lol...

Anyway, today I am recovering from yet another instructor's course.  It was a week long course jam packed full of information and of course shooting.  Can you believe they actually pay me to shoot hundreds of rounds and then go forth and teach others how to do it?! Yeah, me neither!  This is the best job ever! lol...  

So, what's happened over the last six years or so.... Wow, where to start... I promoted, twice.  I'm now a Lieutenant, which many of my troops would consider sacrilege.   As a soldier, I spent the majority of my career complaining about LT's and now I am one.  Sounds like a good argument for Karma!  I was responsible for all of the training that took place at work for about 2 years before I promoted.  That went by so fast! It was a great job, but very stressful.  I enjoyed it immensely. My professional career at this point is at a crossroads.  The options are endless on what I can do, and what I should do is uncertain at this point.  I think I'd like to pursue the investigations arena before I go any farther.  It's a critical step to ensuring that I have the options available to me to go forward doing much bigger and better things for my department.  But in order to do that, I would have to move to Sacramento, or in that area anyway.  I know my wife is most likely against that idea.  I'm not too excited about that idea either, but the opportunities it would provide are extensive.  There's also a chance to take a different route and work on a much more small scale, but make more money.  That would have me living in remote areas and commuting home on weekends, and living out of a camp trailer or moving to a more remote area.  Again, I'm sure the wife doesn't want to move, even if to a more remote area.  The other option is to promote to Captain and stay where I am and end up struggling through the management life hoping to make it to a decent level that would allow for a comfortable retirement in 12 to 15 years but leave me buried in the quagmire of management life which would drive me out of my mind.  What to do....

In the mean time, I will enjoy doing my best to make others better at what they do and leading from the front by my own personal example; because that is what an Infantry leader does!

New Things and New People

I really have to learn to post more frequently than I do. If you read this, I am sorry. Although, I don't think I have any followers. I have recently taken stock of my life thus far, and I have noticed a few things about me that aren't so bad. Generally I am very self critical. I have noticed that I generally shy away from being in the spotlight. I never really understood that before. Most people like getting attention and being noticed. After serious contemplation, I discovered that the main reason is that I just enjoy the peace I think. I have recently joined the Susanville Symphony and have become friends with the director, Benjamin Wade. He gets a lot of attention due to his appearances on the Survivor shows he's been in. He's also about to film a movie, so he's famous. He has a book out on his world record setting kayak trip also. I have the opportunity to hang out with him usually every week and through our usual conversations, I have learned that he is extremely busy. You also can't go anywhere with him without someone noticing him and mentioning his TV shows. He does very well with all the attention and I think it suits him well. But just from my half a second experience with fame due to my combat exploits making the headlines in my hometown, my speech at the traveling Vietnam Memorial, and the few times I've made the papers and the radio, I have been exposed to what it's like to try and go somewhere real quick, only to get back 3 hours later because you were stopped by everyone you met. The difference maybe is that I just did my job and don't feel I deserve the attention, so it began a feeling of loathing the attention which is still within me. He has accomplished things that are very deserving of the attention he attracts so it's not so bad. I don't know, but what I do know is that my few seconds of "fame" are all but gone and I do enjoy the peace. Also, when I am hanging out with him, nobody notices me and I kinda like that, lol. He talks about being a warrior and I can relate to that, because that has been my life. What he has accomplished with the symphony is an absolute treasure and I love being a part of it, so he's not a bad guy to be around. I just hope he doesn't abandon what he's started here because that would be a tragedy.

Leadership

I was talking with some friends the other day about the difference between management and leadership. I feel that both are important, but I am definately biased and have much more respect for Leadership. It isn't hard to notice the lack of Leadership these days. I suppose that is what I miss most about being in the Army; Leading. I miss training young warriors and watching them develop into great Leaders. I miss teaching combat skills. I miss the excitement, the brotherhood, and all that crap I used to complain about. I served in the company of heroes, and now no matter where I go, I feel alone. I'm out of place, uncomfortable. I think I'll look for a group of old warriors where I can drink, tell stories, and talk about how I miss it. Somehow, I don't think that will help much though....

Still Here

Well I thought I was not going to use this blog anymore, but maybe I've changed my mind. I ran across it today and decided that I just can't throw it away. The very first entry I made on this site was before I was injured. I just don't feel like letting go of that for some reason. I can't really explain it, but I would just rather keep it for sentimental reasons I guess. It is really interesting to see myself after a long time away from this site. After reading a few posts, I was flooded with many memories, some good, some not so good. From the day I was diagnosed with PTSD, I have refused to admit that I have any issues with all that I've been through. After reading some of these posts, it is pretty clear that maybe I was wrong. Between my last post here, and now, I have reluctantly admitted that I may have a "couple" of issues, but it isn't all that bad. Anyway I have a host of new issues that really eat at me. Mostly to do with the state of our nation and government, and my feelings on Foreign Policy, blah, blah, blah. But right now, I don't feel like getting into all that crap. Maybe later? I'll just use this post to say that I'm back online, and I'll be blogging away about all sorts of things you probably don't want to hear anyway. I'm doing good, the family is great, we're going on a short vacation soon, and the new job is really good, in spite of all of it's ups and downs. I do regret taking a job working for the "Governator of Kaleeforneeyah" but the pay started out better than the Army, barely. Now with 15% less, it is making me re-think the Re-Enlistment approach. If I end up one of the "lucky" ones who were hired and then told, oops sorry, we can't afford to keep you, the military may be the only viable option for me. With the economy in shambles and getting worse, finding a worthy job that supports a large family is more difficult than ever. But for now, I'm just going to ride the wave of insanity and hope that I can escape by the skin of my teeth as I often seem to be able to do. But for the grace of God, go I.

Stress and Humor

So I think one way to look at stress, when you CAN look at it objectively without being consumed or overwhelmed by it, is to see that it is kind of like fire is to the sword. It burns, but it makes you stronger. I am one of those who can easily be turned negative under enough stress. I often resort to a "Direct Leadership Style" and become snappy and profane. I can be demanding and down right "Un-Fun." It takes a lot of patience and understanding on my part to control such foolish tendencies, and yes, I am constantly struggling. When I notice that I have become rather negative, and it begins to way on my conscience, I generally try to rethink how I look at things. Yes, sometimes I am negative and I don't care. Sometimes I WANT to be snappy and directing. But I generally can't do it for long without feeling guilty. (Necessary times of life and death situations aside.) I don't like making others feel uncomfortable or unwelcome. I wouldn't want to be treated with any form of contempt or disregard and I don't feel others should be treated that way by me. Especially kids, they can hang on to harsh statements and feelings for a really long time. They seldom understand why someone might act in such a manner. So I try to find humor in the struggles, and I also like to look around for someone who needs help. Also the only kids I treat harshly are my own, because they understand the nature of military discipline and they also know that I "Direct" and don't condemn or belittle. One of my boys told me an old joke. I know, it's rather lame, but I couldn't help but laugh because I was contemplating my negativity and general viewpoint at the time.

A young man, distraught and full of stress goes to see his psychiatrist. He informs the doc about these weird dreams he's been having. "Doc, I'm really confused, one night I had a dream I was a tepee, the the next night I had a dream that I was a wigwam. What am I supposed to make of these dreams doc?" The doc ponders for a fews moments then leans forward and says, "Son, relax, you're just two tents."

The wisdom of kids. I really have to stop over thinking this stuff and trying to figure it all out on my own.

New Church

Well we have finally begun to settle in at our new home. It is just the right size for a family our size. There is enough room for everyone to find a place to go without feeling crowded. There is also plenty of room outside for the kids to run and play without us having to worry if they will be hit by traffic or get caught up in some kind of trouble. We have been attending a new church the first time was on Father's day. It was a pretty good service. Considering that it was Father's day, Pastor Buck talked about fathers and how they are an example to their families, good or bad. He gave examples of how his was a not so good example, and that in spite of circumstances such as that, you can still choose your own way. I connected with that particular sentiment. I too had a bad example, and I have chosen to take it as an example of what not to do. If I were to state where I have recieved the most education, it would be between the Army, and the tremendous grace and patience of my wife. The new church is interesting. They have a program for everyone. They are much more expressive and emotional than I will ever be. The music is good. I have played a couple of times, and they want me to play some more. The worship team is really big, the rehearsals are really professionally executed. I feel like I'm playing professionally, which means I really have to get to work on getting back to a professional level of playing. And I thought I was going to be able to relax and sit in the back, LOL.

Life...

Today I was driving in the car and came to an intersection. There was road construction and a man was directing the rather large amount of traffic that was accumulating. It was taking him some time to get to my side of the intersection when all of a sudden, the car quit running because it had begun to over heat. Naturally, this was right when he was signalling me to make my turn. I could not get the car to start again, and I turned on the hazzards and signalled to the man directing traffic that the car was dead as I waved the cars behind me around. Now at first glance you might think this would be rather frustrating, but the chain of events that happened next are amazing, yet most would probably overlook them.

Most might get angry at this point. Some may get embarrased. Others may look to the Heavens and ask God for some devine intervention and maybe some help. Generally, I would do all of the above and probably in that order. But for some reason I didn't. I still don't really know why.

First, I gave thanks to the lord for making my day interesting and challenging. I just felt that this really wasn't that big of a deal for some reason. I looked up and noticed that a young man was looking in my direction as if to see if I needed help. I nodded to him in the affirmative as I got out. As he got out of his car, I noticed that he had a short hair cut, walked with authority and curled fingers. He was a Soldier. The Modern Army PT shirt was also a dead giveaway. I said hey brother, How are you? He just said let me give you a hand and jumped behind the car. As I was looking around to see where I should try and put this thing, he suggested that I ask the man directing traffic to hold everyone while we push it out of the way. We started pushing at the nod of the director, who also joined in and helped. As We picked up quite a bit of speed, the young man suggested I jump in and try and start it. Wouldn't you know it, the car fired right up, I jumped in and gave a wave and yelled thanks out the window as I drove on down the road. A simple life issue, small and yet profoundly impacting. I wish I would have gotten his name.

The Lord meets you where you're at when you NEED him, not always when you WANT him to. Than GOD for that!